David Wells was fortunate to win 18 games and finish in top 3 of the AL Cy Young voting as a starting ace on the 1998 Yankees club that won an AL-record 114 games. Twenty-five years after he pitched a perfect game (allegedly hungover), Boomer Wells lived up to his nickname by ruining the good vibes around the Yankees so he could fire some geriatric takes during Old-Timers Day on Saturday.
Wells used his appearance to unleash on a full menu of empty-calorie conservative talking points before pivoting to heavier topics such as the pitch clock and how easy whippersnappers have it today.
Wells touched off on Bud Light. Like many Extremely Online oldheads, Wells confirmed that he does not, in fact, drink Bud Light anymore. Nobody actually cares about Bud Light, but Wells is passionate about beer. It’s a terrible drink, but for Wells it’s more personal. He’s one of a few million louts who are angry over some anti-woke, anti-transgender nonsense that only appeals to the lowest common denominator of our country.
Wells’ harangue included a panoply of culture-war topics and even threw Nike under the bus by wearing tape over their logo on his Yankee uniform, for reasons unknown to anyone who doesn’t watch Tucker Carlson or OAN .
“I hate Nike!” he said. “They’re woke!” he shouted.
Unfortunately, he forgot to shake his fist at the clouds for dramatic effect. The “woke” critique is as worn out and tired as Wells himself, but as an irrelevant old coot, he’s entitled to his kooky beliefs. Bringing his politics to a Yankees event is both hypocritical and the physical manifestation of the “Sir, this is a Wendy’s” meme. Eventually, Wells moved onto the topic of Yankee baseball, a topic he purportedly is knowledgeable about.
When asked about the Yankees’ struggles, Wells took the well-worn path of blaming the current generation of ballplayers.
“It always seems that the (general managers), the managers and all of that are getting fired, and getting blamed for it, and it’s the players’ (fault),” Wells said before imagining how he’d scare the Yankees straight. “If you’re not doing the job out on the field, and if I was a GM, I would start sending a message.”
Added Wells: “I don’t care who it was, if he was in the stink hole — pardon my French, if you can say that now. I don’t know. But send that son of a gun to Triple A or Double A and send him a wake-up call.”
Gee, David, that sounds like you’re inadvertently blaming the general manager for failing to “send a message.” Cashman’s record of developing the type of young, homegrown talent Wells is referring to is notoriously weak. Wells knows who to be loyal to. He owes his loyalty to Cashman. Ironically, instead of criticizing the longest-serving exec in the Yankees front office, he passed the buck onto the next generation.
He even lamented how players these days need “a fire lit under their butts sometimes.” It was surprisingly critical commentary of Aaron Boone for a guy whose purpose was to blame everyone but Boone and Cashman.
“This is analytics,” Wells said. “They tell (players) certain things. To me, personally, it’s ruining the game because these guys don’t have free will to be themselves and go out there and find their own identity. Because they’re having an identity brought to them. There’s a game plan. Our game plan was go out there and win, how are we going to do it? The best nine guys are going to play.”
First of all, Cashman hired the analytics chief! Mysteriously, Wells talks about modern players like he was an early 20th century frontiersman in Montana or traveled on his own dime with the 1923 Yankees. He was a dumpy pitcher who was coddled because of his personality and the novelty factor of his perfect hangover game. Wells’ Yankees resume consists of a relatively thin pair of stints in pinstripes that get magnified because he was loud and larger than life. Nobody ever accused him of being a wise elder, though.
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